24th May, 2015.

I didn't realize how fast time moved since the last entry - I still don't quite understand where May went, exactly. It was kind of a flurry of good weather, working, and being busy 3 weekends out of 4. I suppose there's another week to potentially drag through.

It's about 2:30am and I'm trying to condition myself for starting nights in < 48 hours time - I'm rather sleepy yet oddly maintaining some emotional integrity for a change - lately I've felt rather stable which is nice. This is a forewarning as usual that the narrative is unlikely to be particularly driven, because my faculties are solely focusing on putting fingers to keyboard (aka the modern equivalent of pen to paper).

So I'm going to America next month, for almost a couple of weeks, to see/stay with a friend and have adventures on the East coast in NC. Just about managed to have the time off work thanks to a very accommodating manager, booked the flights the same day and now I'm very inextricably excited and impatient whilst simultaneously worried about booking third party. Thankfully the airline themselves have a record of my ticket so fingers crossed nothing goes wrong - though I am lacking a plan B which isn't optimal and not entirely characteristic of myself. That said, I don't know shit about flying. Hm.

The Leeds trip was good albeit I was suffering from crippling abdominal cramps through most of the weekend, oddly. These have since ceased and I have resumed standard ignorance protocols for potentially medically significant ailments. I'm not convinced my heart is functioning properly as it throws a literal wobbly every couple of days, but I guess we've all got to die of something blah blah blah.

I guess the America trip has given me something to look forward to - some direction and/or goal that is attainable. It's been so disheartening to have ceded so many future plans due to my own failings as a person, and for once, this trip to me represents that I'm willing to continue moving forward with experiences instead of shutting the world out altogether. I suppose I'm willing to admit at this stage that apathy isn't my default state. The things you learn about yourself over time, huh?

An anonymous commenter left a message on my last entry to say my feelings were not inconsequential amongst other very reassuring things, as my last entry was a 15% mood affair and all that. I really appreciated whomever left such comments, considering they were a big surprise to me that anyone continues to read here, let alone has the willingness to comment and reassure me in a place where I am at my most vulnerable. Impressively, I couldn't even figure out who left the comment, so well done and thank you, you fantastic person, you totally fooled me and made me smile simultaneously.

Today was a pretty good day overall. Woke up at 10am which isn't overly shocking, got a call to arms from Dave to meet at 2pm at a hostel/pub named Nos Da in Cardiff, for what was described as a "mini-festival". I wasn't sure what I was expecting but this was a misnomer, considering it was literally called "Cardiff Mini-Comic-Con" which was actually far better than what I expected. The small hostelpub (new word) had several tables with very artistic yet alternative pieces, including a nice chap whom was doing caricatures for £2.

I'd never had one before because, well frankly the opportunity hadn't arisen and I had no real inclination. But this was a small, indy-organized meet-up with probably 100-200 attendants overall, and I'd had a couple of ciders on an empty stomach thus planting me in the "willing to try random things" phase. I wanted to show my support but was shying away from the artworks which I probably couldn't fully appreciate, being the supreme philistine that I am.

So I sit down with this young bloke whom reveals he has just graduated from uni doing animation, and he somehow draws a picture of me whilst holding a conversation (there aren't many instances where someone asks me "so what do you watch?" and I reply "... mainly anime" - but this, being at a "comic-con" - was one of them) about each other in addition to Highschool of the Dead and how it's basically just boobs and fanservice and very, very little else (bit of a yawnfest but sort of fun - ashamed with myself that I gave it a 9 when I watched it a few years back apparently - http://myanimelist.net/animelist/Lihiro).

Fucking get to the point Tal, christ. In as few syllables as possible; the nice man drew this:

Pretty fun overall and yes it looks ridiculous but I figure that's the point - I carried it around the rest of the day and got all sorts of comments from people. A lady called me cute via it, which I felt was misguided but held my social ineptitude enough to disagree. Paid him more than £2 for being so cool. Plus he complimented my beard. If you want to get to my heart, compliment my beard. Talk shit all you want about the rest. Talk shit about my beard and I will end you. (but not actually, do what you want). Here is the guy's page - he has a style akin to that of Loony Tunes, interestingly.

Dave's friend was playing guitar at the mini-comic-con too as they had a couple of live acts, both of which were fantastic, the chap could play some fantastic acoustic guitar. I mistakenly did that thing I always do in saying I'm a guitarist, which is probably the musical equivalent of saying Ed Miliband is a politician. He was a politician, and he always kind of sucked balls at it anyway, (not Ed Balls, mind) but that's the equivalent of me being a guitarist at this stage. Then we went to our normal burger place and I ate a burger far bigger than the diameter of my mouth. I am still full, 10 hours later.

Anyway that was May, really looking forward to June 20th rolling around. Thanks for putting up with me, anonymous readers - I'll keep you and future me posted.

This song's pretty great - I was debating what to post as this is kind of mellow for a 75% mood, but I've really enjoyed it lately. Hadn't heard of the group before, either. Take care.

Dive in, the water might be lovely.
Go keen and go boldly.
Go wherever they sing.


1st May, 2015.

I'm having a really rough night. Heading up to Leeds tomorrow for the first time in... What must be a couple of months at this stage. Getting a bad case of the nostalgia and it isn't doing any favours for my state of mind. I've kept it together pretty well besides the initial week, but things are starting to flood back now I'm getting on the train up there tomorrow.

I couldn't find my railcard and had to go looking through my room for it, thus dredging up things I didn't hide well enough. I've been doing really well lately, the only thing I can think of is that the trip I'm taking is evoking some sort of emotional response. I'm responding to these emotions by listening to Sigur Rós in the dark at 2:30am and looking, from an outside perspective, what I can only describe as stunned and empty.

Whenever I'm down, I never try to cheer myself up. I put some music on, politely decline all Skype calls (3 people asked tonight. 3. I never knew I was so popular /s) and just mope until I pass out. The next morning, I'll either get up and do something, thus distracting myself from the mood, or I won't get up and will sleep more and awaken feeling refreshed that I survived the night. I think tomorrow is going to be the latter variant.

I was certain at the time that I'd be hit by these feelings of regret, but not as delayed as this. It must be connected to the trip. This is definitely something I have to do for myself - be brave, and deal with what is likely to be the peak of anxiety as I approach the station tomorrow. I'm being so ridiculous. As always, I refuse to validate these emotions as legitimate. My feelings are inconsequential. I'm not even sure why I'm still writing this journal.

Oh boy, here comes the apathy.

I'm going to bed - clearly tired and overemotional. And ridiculous. Sorry, future me. I'll do better.

Tags: , , ,

29th April, 2015.

I had a really strange moment in bed last night. Lately I've been falling asleep with the lamp on and some music playing - just kind of pass out whenever I can't keep my eyes open enough to reply on Skype to people. But last night I shut down my computer, and the lamp, and was actually awake in bed without sleeping for a change. I think I'd forgotten how peaceful it was to be in silence. One of those deep silences, where even though the window is open and there's a B-road outside the window, everything is still.

Then I had a really surreal moment of what I can only describe as peace. Either peace or vulnerability. I actually went to talk to someone who may be my closest confidant of feelings (who still talks to me) this afternoon and found messages I must have sent right before I fell asleep, and completely forgot about.

"I'm having a really human moment and I'm not used to it. It's almost like sadness, just - not my usual, persisting, static sadness. I felt peaceful and lonely and that I've made the wrong choices for just a moment - and I know I haven't but the feelings caught me when my guard was down. It'll pass and I'll go back to a combination of stoicism and apathy."

And then I passed out, apparently. Seeing it this afternoon really made me realize that my "barriers" are up to even myself. The person in question thinks I should seek therapy after the things I've told her over the past few months, but I'm honestly contented with the personality I've cultivated. Maybe I show different people different sides unknowingly - there's an interesting thought.

I really like the above quote - as it is exactly how it sounds. We know things about people, but we never know people. That unpredictability is so difficult. I dunno, I'm just ranting at this stage, I need to go to sleep for a meeting tomorrow. I also annoyingly forgot to set up my proxy vote yesterday, so I'll be voting from Cardiff on May 7th.

Anyway, I'm off to bed - sorry the narrative has likely been terrible today, I'm not trying very hard. Will stop harping on about myself one of these days, honestly. Then again, that's kind of what this journal's all about.

Really nice song. I was rewatching HIMYM via distance with another friend the other night as we were both having a bit of a down evening, and this song came on - I rather love it. Looking forward to seeing her this weekend, I think it's going to do us both good to hang out!

I wanna know what it's like,
On the inside of love.


23rd April, 2015.

I guess I took a bit of a break since the last journal - I've been pretty caught up in work and screwy sleep schedules for a while. This week has been kind of a blast, Monday afternoon I took a huge walk around the entirety of Cardiff Bay circa 7 miles - not a huge amount but it was on-the-fly without fluids or proper walking shoes etc in the baking sunlight. The bay was lit up and it was rather beautiful, I had noise-cancelling headphones, some of the best mixes I could find, and I stopped into an agent to have a look at some apartments; been investigating that more as I was this time last year.

I think I've budgeted enough to put a deposit down on a reasonable 1 bedroom apartment, which is exciting but there are still many steps to go and I'm currently evaluating everything in my head prior to taking actual steps, which may take several months - possibly years, depending on the purchase, knowing me - incredibly fiscally cautious on big purchases. I'll have my own place away from work, and wouldn't have to work up the courage each evening to go and make food in a communal kitchen. It may not be a big deal for most people, but I really don't want to most evenings, and try and limit the time I spend in communal areas.

Completely convinced myself that love will hurt both me, and those subjected to love from me, as it has time and time again. And this isn't a self-deprecating conclusion for the purposes of obtaining pity (hence it doesn't fall under my prohibition of angst criteria), nor is it a conclusion that I came to within a small time frame. It's an observational, rational decision which my gut supports - it's liberating, starting to re-discover solitude, loneliness, and the strength and confidence that I gain when I'm alone. It's been an entire month now - and I can tell my barriers are up again to everyone - perhaps this is a countermeasure considering the amount of hurt I've been through the past few weeks. I don't really know.

I do know that I don't feel vulnerable anymore. And with that sentence I realize that clearly, I have issues, and I wouldn't expect anyone to deal with them considering the severity. Not even sure it can be dealt with at this stage. And that's okay. Really this entry probably belongs in my other journal considering the tone, but I feel comfortable being more open here considering the likelihood of anyone actually reading it is slim. I suppose this is a documentation exercise for future me that today was the day I realized I have issues with leaving myself vulnerable, thus cementing an impossibility of ever achieving a functioning relationship. That's what I've been trying to say all along, in my horrendously long winded manner.

Been called out on it before, that whenever I talk I'll warble narrative without actually getting to the point. I do it at work, too. I'll sit silently, encouraging people to divulge the case details to me and taking notes, ask them to wait a moment so I can evaluate & check, then speak solidly for however long it takes to merit a response. I talk like an email. It's not a back-and-forth to-and-fro active conversation; I can't deal with that most of the time - too autistic or something. It's a "here is my information please process" - "information received, processing. Return information." - "information received" affair.

Wow this journal is making sense - I am on the ball today. Then again I knew I was already - had a hellish afternoon at work and kept up really well considering the cases. Wish I could talk about them here but it'd probably be frowned upon considering the interesting ones are frequently the most patient identifiable. How unfortunate.

Welp, the warble ends here.

This song is so fucking metal and each verse seems like it comes from a different song. I really really like it though; obligatory maximum volume through the headset. Until next time.

And if it means being alone I'll be just fine on my own.


13th April, 2015.
Hey everyone/future me.

Do you ever have one of those days where you're just feeling the day, and you get a whole bunch of stuff done, and you had a decent weekend? Today's been like that - the weekend's been a bit like that.

I went out-out on Saturday, almost got in a fight with a valley boyo (Cardiff on Saturdays is notorious for being a bit rougher because the valley-people come down to drink & brawl). I didn't aggress of course, nor respond to him shoving me at the bar of the semi-crowded club. Defused the situation rather well overall and managed to tactfully retreat with my face in-tact by holding my hands up, keeping a side-on stance, and backing away. Didn't even ruin my night, pretty much just laughed it off and found my work colleagues again after temporarily losing them. Rather exhilarating.

Don't think I would've won in all honesty, my stomach is made of pudding, I've never been in a fight in my life and I'm probably the sort of person not to really advocate harming anyone unless really pushed - and even when literally pushed, after far too many jaegerbombs & straight bourbons, I didn't want to either! I'm unsure whether I'm a craven coward or wise enough not to get into fights. I'd like to think the latter but I don't really know myself anymore after I was disintegrated a few weeks ago.

Maybe that's why I'm writing so many journals recently - I'm trying to get some insight, and get back into my own head. I think I wrote in an earlier journal that I might have lost myself along the way over the past few weeks, and I think that hypothesis is holding up to how I'm feeling. Not particularly sad, just lost. Kind of like how I rebuilt myself at 17, I think I'm rebuilding myself again into another person.

Anyway, today I woke up and showered, put on my best work shirt, and my hair looked reasonably okay for the first time in eleven decades. Walked into work and found myself as the most experienced there for 6 hours, so whilst doing an assignment, writing TOXBASE sheets and mentoring the new colleague whilst she took calls, kept myself busy. Took a 15 minute lunch break at my desk as I was so busy, but the weather was so nice and I had a great time reminiscing about Saturday night with my colleagues who were both rather chirpy after a decent night out. So I decided to go for a bike ride.

You know, on the bike that is fucking broken.

I was feeling so pumped despite 5 hours sleep (and 3 hours on Saturday...) that I marched into my room, stripped to my boxers and fucking went at it. The bike, I mean. Don't be a perv. Wrestled with that motherfucker for a solid 30 minutes, my hands were greasy and raw and sweat was dripping off my brow as I tried to pull this goddamn chain out.

Before I drew blood, I took a quick moment to look at the mechanism for the 100th time, played with the pedals a little bit like I usually did and realized there was a give-and-take point where... You know what fuck it, tl;dr I wiggled the pedals and it fixed it. There. God why do I always make things so elaborate? So I immediately got all my gear together and set off for the barrage. About 3/4 of the way there, I hear something from the front wheel.

Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.

Every. Goddamn. Rotation. I don't get headaches but I can honestly say it gave me one when the squeaking grew so unbearable. It wasn't some pitiful mouse squeak either, it was if there was a horse sized mouse squeaking through a megaphone into my ears. I thought something was wrong, turned tail and pushed the uphills/cruised the downhills as I didn't want to risk anything, all the way to my local bike shop. So I never made it to the barrage. Truly this is a saga. I feel like the cycling equivalent of Ash Ketchum. Gotta get to the barrage. Gotta be a Pokémon master. Never does.

Then I experimented with my bike lock, drove to get some supplies, came home and died in my chair. Which is where I am now. 8 hours sleep over 2 nights, and my diet has been... Well it's not been great for a while. So I'm generally feeling rather dead.

But I am feeling pretty happy - I think the night out on Saturday helped. I got "waylayed" and lost my colleagues doing my own thing, you know, like getting into fights and shit b/c wot u fink u sed m8 ill rek u (but not actually). But everyone had a good time. Considering I was out with a gay couple and two long-term-relationshipped ladies, the moment they realized I was single (I don't broadcast it unless asked - close friends do not apply) I suddenly had 4 wingpeople aged 28 - 50, eager to assist in whatever way they could. They were all very supportive, and I think I needed that (not the wing-ness, just the support). Not to say my friends haven't been supportive, but I've been here 16 months now and that was the first time I've been out, six nations nights notwithstanding.

Again I'm overelaborating. I'm doing okay - well, even. Finding my feet gradually, embracing the sadness as beauty, and giving each day my best.

Adam and April had this played at their wedding. It's such a beautiful piece. Really memorable day. I don't think I've told anyone to this day, but on the night of the wedding, once the party was in full swing, I crept out to the lake near the manor house and had a quiet 15 minutes of thinking to myself in the moonlight. So many great memories from that day, and yet that one really sticks in my mind.

I was the best man to two of my best friends getting married. And sitting by that lake was when I knew, that was more important to me than being married myself. That almost changed. I guess I was wrong.


10th April, 2015.
My shower broke.

To be more precise, the hot water wasn't complying for 2 mornings straight. I'm not exactly the sort of person who has to take mandatory daily showers or anything, but after that period of time I was feeling increasingly more conscious of my co-workers considering the office was a furnace and I was an unwashed adult. As a result I spoke to my manager and requested Thursday off, which was granted because my manager is generally very amicable to requests I make. I had Friday off due to working nights last weekend, so I was finished by Wednesday 4pm and it feels glorious to have a period of 4 days off.

I've spent it mainly as an R&R exercise, after the whole break-up thing I didn't really have an adequate lengthy break as it occurred at the very end of the 10 days I had off, and I've been pretty pressed with work. From Friday - Wednesday I pulled 52 hours, I was lapsing concentration and probably couldn't do another day, so in a way I'm glad the shower broke to give me some leisure time. Really nailed the work that has been pressing me for a long time though. Hoping it's of an okay standard.

I went to assemble my bike yesterday - attached handlebars and adjusted seat, spannered some pedals on and even wired up a speedometer. And after all that, when I went to test the pedals I did the most insolent thing possible and forgot to loop the chain. So that's royally jammed. Spent an hour trying to unjam it with all my pitiful strength yesterday and all I ended up with was raw, greasy hands and a lingering frustration - the weather has been gorgeous lately and I was really looking forward to being mobile outside!

So yes, I effectively built, and then broke, my bike within about 3 hours. It didn't even make it out the room. I deserve a medal for this shit.

Still sticking to my "no relationships" rule. Typically speaking I'm terrible at keeping to rules in the long term though - or anything in the long term - something I've always put down to complacency. I get complacent with my self-compliance or grades or feelings or generally anything, and it never works out. Rather impressed I'm still going with the job, then again I'm still learning things every day and I rather enjoy the job, the people I work with and the benefits it brings (I like shift work - again because a routine would make me complacent - the pay is good etc).

But I'm hoping I'll be more disciplined with this one. I think the direction of my life shifted over the past couple of months. Kind of realizing that partnerships are not something I'm compatible with or can do due to the way I am. That's not a bad thing by any means - just a life choice I suppose - I've tried, I've failed multiple times and it's beginning to get tiresome and/or frowned upon by peers. I can't even imagine the amount of times my closest friends have heard me say "it's on" or "it's off" - one of my friends always called me "Ted Mosby" from HIMYM, which I found pretty funny - perhaps she's right?

Not really sure where I'm going with this. No real message to this one, just felt like typing & rambling away to the abyss. The abyss never rambles back though. Damnit Nietzsche.

Speaking of HIMYM, the song above is from the end of the first season which is a pretty fantastic finale. I was going to post a different music video of some electro, but I think the tone gradually shifted as I was writing. I feel more comfortable with the above. Anywho, till next time.

Oh! And my shower spontaneously resolved it's issues. Guess it was on strike or something. Perhaps I should give my bike a pay rise.

Do you wanna come over and kill some time?
Throw your arms around me.


6th April, 2015.
Whew, those nights were pretty hardcore.

I mean the actual case-by-case side of things was hard enough, for some reason this was probably one of the busiest weekends I can remember/ever. But on top of that I have some long overdue deadlines on some work that feels like more of a "finality" coming up tomorrow. Really had to push hard for it but I think I've done enough to get by.

I'm not overly tired - I went for a walk with Dave down to the barrage and into the bay yesterday. We were discussing future plans and where we're going, what we're doing, life stuff in general. Since then there's been a reasonable push for me to go ahead with what I've been planning, but I'll decide by September whether I have the courage to go through with it. Was a really nice morning, got some exercise, got some bacon, got some sunshine (a little too much sunshine judging by my pink face) and had a nice chat. Got back to bed at 2pm and dropped dead from tiredness.

Finished nights at 8am this morning and back in at 8am tomorrow - such is life. Feeling more polarised today than I was the other day. I think I'm sad but this is manifesting itself as an unbreakable drive to conquer everything all the problems I have - and conquering them I am, even on a daily basis. Still mixed is the mood! And I think that's been persistent for the past 2 weeks.

Anyway there's a video I wanted to share here that really gets me amped. Probably one of the best AMV's I've ever seen. My favourite TV show of all time, plus a great song, plus excellent editing = this masterpiece.

But yeah today I'm too tired to get proper food, it's just about to turn 10am (when Dominos opens) so I'm going to order a pizza, force myself to eat something as I've accidentally abstained besides a bacon roll for the last 50+ hours, and faceplant the bed.

You'll never learn to fly now,
'Til you're standing at the cliff,
And you can't truly love until you've given up on it.


4th April, 2015.

I've actually got something to talk about today. Please bear with me if this is entirely incoherent and I'm speaking nonsensically, I've just come off the first night of nights over the Easter weekend (such is the nature of my job) so I'm a little tired.

The general election's approaching and there are manifestos, debates and opinions being hurled left, right and moderate (do you see what I did there?) and the inevitable "why don't you appreciate what so many have died for" voters chirping about how I/we, the unvoting and despicable cretins of Britain, should vote, even if it's a throwaway. I don't really see the sense in a lot of the arguments put forth to me and I'm not sure if I'm being wilfully ignorant about the topic, so I kind of feel like I need to disseminate some of the information into text will help me understand better.

- You should vote because people have fought and died in wars for our right to vote.

Probably the strongest candidate for phrases most often used to try and convince non-voters - effectively a colossal guilt trip to try and tug on either familial or empathetic ties to fellow human beings who, truly, did stand up for our right to vote in fighting wars against those who may remove the vote in favour of a dictatorship, or totalitarian society (which we totally don't live in now guys cough cough iamnowonalist).

The difficulty with this argument is an inability to understand why someone may not vote - if someone is not voting out of laziness because the latest mindless TV distraction is preventing them leaving the comfort of sofa, despite aligning to a subset of policies, I'm inclined to believe they should vote and this is a rational argument for persuasion. The same applies for non-voters who "don't have the time" to make an informed decision. Where this argument falls down is in people whom have considered the options and find an inability to align.

Trying to explain this initially will be met with "well, you can't expect to match ALL of your chosen party's policies" which is inherently true. To say that I would match all of a single parties' policies would be naive and thinking rather wishfully. But when you agree with an equal quantity of policies from each party, whom do you choose in that instance? This is the difficulty I've been having; some spin it in a more negative light - "they are all assholes, so why should I vote for this colossal bellend over that one?" which is a similar notion of seeing each party in an equal light at the end of the day. I think I align with both in some respects.

Our right to vote was fought for and I respect it as much as any voter, and I find those who use this argument against me rather insulting - to assume I wouldn't have been conscious enough to consider it in my decision. How can you make an objective decision to vote where you don't align/are happy with your choice? I've even seen people stating to make it law to vote, which is even more ridiculous. That isn't going to create productive voting by any means - it's going to distort and dilute the opinions of those who care about change.

Because fundamentally, those who care about change and align with a political party enough - these are the people who vote - and these people are the will of the people. Why should I, or anyone else, dilute any given parties' chances of success by uninformed voting? Granted I could buff the voter's party, but if you're leaving a significant portion of approximately 35% of non-voters (2010 data - http://www.ukpolitical.info/Turnout45.htm) to what is essentially luck of the draw - then you're clearly doing democracy wrong. Non-voting is a viable option.

- You should vote, even if it's a throwaway.

Again, distortion and dilution of the results. Say the person who stated this was a labour supporter. What if I vote tory, just as a throwaway vote? Would that make them happy? It's literally gotten to the stage where I've been tempted to say "you know what, fuck it, if you won't respect my non-voter position I'm just going to vote against you" - which is obviously not constructive and not something I'd actually do. But it genuinely, actually scares me to think of the amount of voters who vote because they've been pushed into it, because they've been mindlessly droned at that they have to vote, or else they're a piece of shit who can't respect the sacrifice that went into our circlejerk "democracy".

Surely the necessity of voting is to accurately represent the people's opinions - and my opinion is I have literally sat down and read every manifesto, watched several debates and got an adequate understanding of what each party represents. And I still can't form a decision because there is no ideal party in the running. I'm not going to burn my vote and dilute the chances of the people who genuinely have feelings towards their ideologies being represented. Throwaway votes, unless they are to insignificant parties such as http://www.omrlp.com/ (in which case they are legitimately pointless) only weaken the opinions of those who care.

- You just need to read each party's proposals - you'll find one to identify with.

Generally stated by optimists. I applaud the people who have found something they align to - some cause - kind of the same way I feel about religion; good for you that there is some purpose to your life. Some of us aren't so lucky, aren't so trusting or believing. I can't help that I have done my research and reached no conclusions. Obviously, political parties can't pander to individuals and have to cover select demographics of the population - else they wouldn't get elected - but I can say with honesty I align to each political party equally. I am the political equivalent of genderqueer, and I'm somehow looked down upon for my choice in not-voting.

I'm not even in the business of preaching not to vote - people should do however they feel will benefit the country, or their region or most likely, themselves. But at the same time I wish for once that people would respect that I feel I am doing the correct thing for others by not wasting my vote by making an uninformed decision.

That's pretty much all I wanted to talk about. I'm pretty tired. Mood-wise I'm doing really well lately, been feeling above 50 consistently. Going to head to sleep as soon as I finish this song, which admittedly is one of the saddest songs I know of - and I absolutely adore it.

Foxes is one of those musicians I can safely say "I liked her before it was cool." I'm saying that song had 5000 views and was available exclusively in 240p when I listened to it on repeat. I digress and ramble, I need some sleep - goodnight.

I never heard you speak like this, on the phone,
You carry the weight and I take the guilt,
Brings me down, brings me down to this.


1st April, 2015.
Alright everyone. Might as well come out and say it here. I've decided I'm moving to New Zealand in September to become a farmer.

It's what I've always dreamed of, farming pigs and living off the fat of the land... Possibly chasing hobbits.

Of course, I'd only ever say the above on April fools day. Pretty weak guise above admittedly but it's almost 1am and I'm in a normal person's sleeping pattern. I guess I mainly wanted to post some achievements I did today. I tidied my room, properly, for the first time in a while. Probably one of the harder things I've done lately - moving on is difficult, especially when the heart lingers. I cooked dinner, rare steak (I prefer medium rare but I was a bit premature with it) and pasta in carbonara sauce. I think I preferred the pasta more.

Next things to do are to assemble my bike, and start taking steps to become fitter. Not necessarily lose weight, gain weight, or tone. Just some cardiovascular fitness to improve my health a bit which I frankly feel is poor, especially the way my teeth are. Surprised I'm not nicknamed "gappy" yet. Got some routes planned for when the weather is good, been a bit too windy lately.

Everything feels pretty distant and numb at the moment, but not necessarily in a bad way. It's been a really good day today both at work and with the productivity after work, but this evening, and probably because I'm tired, it feels like the wind could blow either way at the moment/tomorrow - a straight 50% mood. I guess we'll see.

I also guess the song I'm listening to probably isn't helping. I've become a bit obsessed with the RWBY soundtrack lately. The guy who created RWBY - Monty Oum - passed away a couple of months back - was actually a really big shock, dude was in his late 20s. Some sort of severe allergic reaction. Real tragedy. Still a pretty easygoing series, the music is great.

So there I am, tidying my room, and although that song is likely about familial ties (I'd wager sisters, as I've watched RWBY), it's still horrendously sad... No wonder I'm so mixed. I'm going to go and get some sleep, I'm sure things'll be fine tomorrow - I'll update properly soon!

Don't ever doubt, don't ever fear,
I'm always here and you know.


27th March, 2015.
Oh hello!

I feel so guilty consistently neglecting this journal - I kept coming here, writing approximately 1000-2000 words of what was essentially pure feelings, and then deleting it for being far too angsty. The last time I tried was around Time to Talk day, and I fear I would've shared far, far more than I'm comfortable with at base filter level. I'm talking no-holds-barred full-blown warbling brain-wank up the wazoo. And although I like sharing here, I think I'm going to try and set some restrictions on the quantity of angst, otherwise the very purpose of these journals (as a remembrance exercise for my future self and/or the people in it when I inevitably die at 30 from pandemonic sleep and dietary cycles) is going to be represented as a sorely depressed and bitter young man.

Perhaps that's masking the true representation of who or what I am but frankly, the early 20s are an incredibly transitory period and I'm relatively sure we (pronoun pertaining to my age group) are all trying to find our own feet. I'm shooting ideas around of where I'm going, what I'm doing, and each day it's changing - I don't think this is a novel thought process (understatement now replaced by the /u tag). I think I'm starting to have some more solid goals in mind, and some loose plans as to what I intend to do to reach them. Never plan solidly - it never goes the way you want it do, as if you're taunting fate with your decisions - see other journals re: my greased vines analogy.

A few days ago, I liked a photograph of one of my old friends, whom I've known for 8 or 9 years from my teenage days on IRC, but hadn't talked to since 2013 - this prompted her to immediately stalk my Facebook page and send me a message. "Wanna know something?" she started. "You gotta stop relying on other people for your own happiness. You are awesome. SEE YOU IN ANOTHER FEW YEARS BUDDY."

Considering recent developments in my life, this was out of the blue. Unexpected. When queried, she knew I had just come out of a relationship despite no mention anywhere of this fact, and also knew that I have always been rather awful at remaining single over the past 5 years - probably due to an abundance of feelings and a continuing trend to see the best in people. "You're always with someone" she continued.

It's only recently dawned on me that this has been seen as a negative aspect to others, in particular those closest to me. Do I rely on others for my happiness? The answer is that relationships have always played a large part in my state of mind, for better or for worse. I'm perfectly content finding my own happiness alone, but they tend to resemble a full sin(x) wave whereas being alone is a much shallower wave, never extending beyond +/- 30 degree depth. It's not so much that I rely on other people for my happiness, but it is where I frequently find my highest peaks but also my most bitter lows.

I've decided I can't deal with that sort of up-and-down again. Considering a relationship involves two (or more if you're into that kinda thing) people, you sacrifice some element of control and secrecy (both of which are no good in relationships) for the benefit of a mutual existence - reliant on trust and communication. Neither of which I am inherently good at /u - especially the former of which I consistently fail at. I even attempted to share more about myself over these past few months and I think someone got close to understanding why I am the way I am; perhaps that panicked me, perhaps I lost myself somewhere along the way. All I've realized is that I couldn't explain the undertones of the nihilism rooted in my life, I can't go on mentally torturing myself by trying, and I certainly can't go on hurting those I learn to care about.

A few days has been all it's taken to regain some portion of the insight I felt I lost - some resolve, some confidence. I'm not feeling completely fine by any means (see: mood percentage), and I understand I've possibly thrown away the best chance I had with a truly decent person and it's difficult not to feel a harmonic (in the classical guitar sense of harmonic, played at the 12th fret) twinge of regret on the strings at times. But I truly had such a brilliant time, despite the crippling depressive states I encountered lately which, frankly, pale in comparison.

This journal actually took 2 days to write due to a busy schedule consisting of gaming, alcohol, and work. During that time period, a further, closer friend commented that I shouldn't depend on people for my own happiness, independent of the first. This had lead me to the conclusion that everyone knows I become horrendously dependent and needy on partners and holy shit you guys, stop paying such attention to my life. Honestly it's just Cities: Skylines, Budweiser and The Devil is a Part Timer.

Okay maybe just Cities: Skylines and TDiaPT when I'm not playing Cities: Skylines.

OKAY FINE maybe Cities: Skylines has dominated my soul at the moment. Fuck.

I can't do roads. At all. In a city simulator. I streamed it to a whopping audience of two people last week, and whilst the stats clearly showed I managed good income with careful taxation & policies, in addition to keeping 40,000 citizens happy, I could not for the life of me work out those fucking roads. Which of course are necessary if you're going to have your citizens drive to work to acquire money and/or the parks & recreation to acquire happiness.

And if there isn't a metaphor in that, then you don't know me well enough to think I wouldn't include one as a "shitty introspective moral of the journal" story.

I'm going to work out how to do roads.

P.S The Devil is a Part Timer dub is the most hilarious thing I've seen in ages - anime humour is generally lacklustre due to a cultural gap, but that was the most entertaining 13 episode piece I've seen in months, maybe years. And if you don't want to know what happens to Satan when he starts working for a living at "MgRonalds" - a fictional version of McDonalds - you're a god damn liar. It is beautiful. 10/10 would laugh again.



Log in